Amy
When you found out about Don and De, what did you think?
I was skeptical at first because I had already decided that I wanted to raise Deanna myself. When Robbie approached me about meeting Don and De, I was caught off-guard and scared at the thought of not being able to raise Deanna with Robbie. After some serious arguments, I agreed to meet Don and De, although I wasn’t serious about considering adoption. I had made up my mind already and that was it.
Describe your first impressions of when you met each other?
When I first met Don and De, I was pleasantly surprised. Although I was still acting stubborn, inside I couldn’t believe how friendly, happy, and open they were. We just held a normal conversation at first and they sort of felt like old friends that we hadn’t seen in a while.
When the conversation shifted toward the baby, I got a little defensive. But when I heard Don and De say that they wanted Robbie and Amy to be as much a part of the baby’s life as they were, I thought, “REALLY?” That’s when I started taking them more seriously and I actually started imagining what it would be like if Don and De raised Deanna.
What ‘clicked’ when you met each other?
I think our personalities just clicked. De was a bit quieter than Don, but she was so sweet in everything that she said. I knew that she was strong in her faith and I knew that I wanted Deanna to grow up with good Christian values. I knew that they would be able to raise Deanna the way that I wanted her to be raised because we were so similar.
Why did you trust them?
I didn’t really know them well enough to trust them immediately. As time went by, we got to know each other so much better and we established that trust by asking questions. When Robbie and I went over to Don and De’s house for dinner one night, they showed us around the house, around the backyard, and upstairs into what might be the baby’s room. They showed us that they were ready to love and care for a baby. They told Robbie and I to ask them anything. So we did! It was sort of like an interview, but we asked every difficult question you can think of. “What happens if you move away?” “How often will we be able to see the baby?” and “How do we know that you aren’t going to shut us out?” Those were tough questions but I needed to know the answers before I made any decisions.
Why did you choose open adoption?
I’ve written a lot about this in my blog, but here’s the short answer. I chose open adoption because I wasn’t able to give Deanna the emotional support or the material things that she deserved. I was 18 years old and I had only a high school education. No job, no college degree, and no marriage. Robbie and I knew that we could have tried to make it work, but at the risk of breaking up and having Deanna fought over. It just didn’t make sense. Since I wasn’t able to just “give Deanna away” and never see her again, open adoption was the perfect option. I am able to visit often, while still getting a college education and doing all of the things a 22-year-old is supposed to be doing. It’s truly the best of both worlds. And Deanna will always know that I loved her enough to give her everything that she deserved.
How did you form a bond throughout the pregnancy?
De and I began going to my doctor appointments together. She thought it was so exciting to be a part of the baby’s growth and development and I was happy to share that experience with her. We also had several dinners at their home, and they came to dinner at Robbie’s family’s home as well. We even had a baby shower together. De got cribs and strollers and I got string bikinis and new jeans! It made me feel better to think ahead to a time when I would be able to fit into those tiny clothing items again!
What did you find you had in common?
Don and Robbie are both HUGE sports fans. While Don is a huge NC State Wolfpack Football fan, Robbie played on the team. Don often refers to Robbie as his “baby daddy.” Don and Robbie both have large, crazy, fun, exciting families. De and I have smaller, quieter, more reserved families. Also, Robbie and De have dark hair and eyes while Don and I have light hair and blue eyes. From personalities to looks, we have many things in common.
How did you prepare for the birth & adoption of Deanna?
When I first found out I was pregnant, I went to a crisis pregnancy center and had appointments with my counselor, Gail, every two weeks. It was therapeutic and I felt like I was becoming more and more prepared with each session. I read books about pregnancy, ate healthier, and exercised often. Robbie and I met with our families and our priest to talk about our decision to pursue adoption. Most importantly, we spent time with Don and De to get to know them well and to develop a relationship based on trust. The adoption was tough to prepare for because I had to mentally detach myself from the thoughts of parenting that I had previously formed. I sort of had to imagine that this was De and Don’s baby and that I was just chosen to carry her, like a surrogate mother. Mrs. Leonard did a tremendous job of helping me to prepare and she took me out to do things that were fun and exciting to take my mind off the emotional difficulties of the pregnancy. She reminded me that this was supposed to be the best time of my life. She helped me to focus on the positive things I had to look forward to after the adoption including college, visiting Deanna, and having a social life again!
How did you feel when you left the hospital?
I felt sad and empty when we left the hospital. We never said goodbye to De and Don. We said, “see ya soon” and we visited them at their home later that night. I felt like a part of me was missing, and rightly so, considering that I had carried Deanna with me for the past 9 months. But knowing that I would be able to see Deanna soon helped me to cope with my decision after leaving the hospital. My mom and Mrs. Leonard took me to Meredith College to walk around and see where I would be going to school. This was very exciting and just thinking about going to college took my mind off the pain.
What did your family say about the adoption?
My family was skeptical because they didn’t know Don and De. They had lots of questions and they didn’t necessarily trust my judgment at first. Once Deanna was born, and they did finally meet Don and De, they realized that the decision I made was the right one and they are so happy that Don, De, and Deanna come to visit them in Pittsburgh during the summer. They know that they are always welcome to visit Deanna in South Carolina as well.
What did your friends say about the adoption?
My friends asked me why I would want to give Deanna away. It was tough to explain to them because when you’re a senior in high school, you think that love is enough to conquer any problem. I grew up fast and I was mature enough to realize that while Robbie and I loved each other, it wouldn’t be in Deanna’s best interest for us to raise her on our own. We were still kids ourselves in a sense, and it would require lots of help from our families, both of whom were in different states (PA and NC.) My friends supported my decision, but I think they had a hard time understanding why. They wanted to help me raise her, but I wanted the absolute best for Deanna and Don and De were able to give her that.
How did you adjust to the adoption?
I adjusted to the adoption by preparing for the emotional struggle prior to signing the adoption papers in the hospital. I also focused on preparing for life as a college student and doing all of the things I never could have done while raising a child. De and Don always told me that I could talk to them about anything I was concerned about. I respected their need to have time alone as a family, but I also knew that I needed to see Deanna so I would be okay. It was a balance between their needs and mine, but we found a delicate balance that has worked for us. Don and De included me in so many little things like helping to feed, dress, and play with Deanna when I came to visit. This was a great way to adjust to the adoption because I felt welcome and important in each of their lives.
How do/did you tell people about the adoption?
I love talking about adoption, but I usually wait for people to ask first. Since I started my birthmom blog, people have been approaching me and telling me how much they enjoy reading it. I’m happy to share my experience in hopes of shedding light on a positive choice that many people haven’t considered—open adoption.
What questions do people always ask you about the adoption?
People always ask me if Robbie and I will “get Deanna back” after we are older. The answer, of course, is no. All adoptions, whether open, semi-open, or closed a permanent. However, the great thing about open adoption is that we have the opportunity to visit Deanna often and to establish a one-on-one relationship with her. She’ll never question where she came from and she’ll always know that she has so many people who love her.
Another question we get is, ‘Isn’t that weird to go over there and visit?” Not at all. In fact, Don and De are like extended family to us. Is it weird for you to go and visit your relatives? :)
How did you agree on visitation after the birth?
We agreed first and foremost to keep Deanna’s best interest in mind before all else. De and Don let us know that Robbie and I can call and stop by most anytime. We always call first to make sure they aren’t busy or have other plans. We’ve found a balance between visiting, calling, and living our lives. As Deanna gets older we will have to step back and let her decide for herself if she would like to continue the relationship with her birth family. Since she has known us since she was born, it will never be a secret or something kept from her. She’ll always know who we are and that we all love her.
How did you really know that they were going to keep their promise?
I knew that De and Don would keep their promise because we got to know everyone in their families so well. All of their relatives embraced Robbie, me, and our families, and they reached out to us. They let us know that Don and De were such great people and how wonderful they would be as parents. We probably met close to 100 + of their closest relatives, friends, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles. Since everyone had the same great things to say about them, we knew that they were genuine people who would keep their promise. I had many conversations with Don and De as well, and we decided that Deanna would always be the first priority. The time we spent talking about these things gave me comfort in knowing that Don and De would allow us to continue our relationship.
How did you know you made the right decision?
I don’t know the exact moment that I knew I made the right decision. It was a process of growth and gradual self-acceptance. When I see all of the things Deanna has, including a wonderful family, nice house, large backyard, tree house, golf cart, beach access less than 2 minutes away, protective and loving dog, and so many people who love her, it makes it easy to see why I made the decision I did. Helping to promote open adoption as a viable option has also helped me to heal and to truly see how much of an impact my decision has made. I don’t regret my decision and I hope that other women will see how such a difficult decision has the potential of turning into such a positive life experience for everyone involved in open adoption.
What has contact been like since Deanna was born?
Contact with Deanna has been easy and representative of what we had talked about. Although Don, De and Deanna moved to South Carolina for Don’s job, it hasn’t prevented us from maintaining that one-on-one relationships.
We are welcome to visit Deanna and to stay in their guest room at their house near the beach, and they come to Raleigh often. Deanna knows that I am her tummy mommy, and she knows that Robbie is her tummy daddy. I am just as excited to visit Deanna as I am to visit Don and De because they have become such great friends of our families.
What event stands out in your mind about our journey?
My absolute favorite memory is when I did a speech on open adoption for my public speaking class during freshman year at Meredith College. I began the speech by talking about my story but at the end of the speech I said, "and now I'd like to introduce you all to some very special guests..." That’s when Don, De, and Deanna walked into the classroom. The look on my classmates’ faces was priceless and Deanna was smiling and clapping the entire time.
I was so proud to be able to share a part of myself and my experience with open adoption with my peers, most of whom had no idea what open adoption truly was or how it worked. I hope to continue speaking about open adoption and promoting it as a positive option.
